Thursday, November 07, 2013

Dancing my pain away

I have this immense urge to dance till the point where my legs can go on no more, and yet, i corse them to carry the weight in my heart and push them further. Perhaps it's the same dance of the whirling dervishes, but, for them it is to reach a higher level of nirvana through their whirling. Me, I need to whirl myself out of the swamp. I need double the effort and the energy..

Perhaps that moment of physical exhaustion takes the whole awareness of pain into a tangible more manageable one, a controlled environment for the senses.

What baffles me is how tangible it is in the pit of the abdomen, a tightness that actually can relatively be relaxed by pain killers, as that in itself numbs other senses that trigger the mind and subsequently tight intangible knot.

I gravitate here and there when I feel this way. What I have experienced and felt is wonderful as it means I can still feel. As well, it is a blessing to have such a little issue bring me so much pain, it means that there are no other major pains and concerns. I am safe and well as are my loved ones, family and friends.

So then what? I don't know I have revived doubts which are absolutely inconvenient.

The other day in between tears and pasted smiles, I wished there was a direct phone to call God. I then kicked myself and reminded myself that this direct line is called prayer. But I still want to ask him so many questions!! The biggest ones are "What shall I do?" and "How should I be?" and get a simple direct mortal answer..

So many times I reach a point where I am mentally too tired I just don't want to think anymore. It is at those times where I (guiltily and retract it soon enough) envy stupid or dumb people, not in a degrading manner, but that they just know within a limited capacity and perhaps with the false perception that they have less aches due to that.

مجبور

مجبور أنا
بطاعتك وعصيانك
مجبور انا
بغيبتك ونسيانك
،من قلت قلبي
لهفتي
لوعتي
حسرتي
تحيا بك
مجبور أنا
أعشق أيامك

وين بسمتك
تنشر في ليالي ضي
وين همستك
قلبي بعدها حي
وين لمستك
طالت ولا مرت على كفي دفا
عييت ولا جت من برد الشتا
غابت عن الجفن رفة وفا
مسافر ولا دل الطريق
وين كلمتك
باكر بيجمعنا بريق
شمس اللقا

لا تنتظر 
باكر دهر 
واليوم ما غاب القمر
لا تنتظر 
ما عاد يكفيني عمر
أنا نهايتي
لك لهفتي
واوراق الخريف
باكر دهر
والليل احلامه بريق
أو لحظة أمل
لا تنتظر
انا فيك انهيت حكايتي
وما لها بقايا قصتي
غير اني من يومها
مجبور فيك

ولا شفت غيرك قدر