She’s not scared of my Nintendo by Mishaal Al Gergawi

http://www.thenational.ae/article/20080918/OPINION/149408695/1080&profile=1080

I don't know how many (girl)friends I'll make or lose on this column. I definitely view it as a piece that is more on the experimental side of writing. Perhaps it is just me right now… or just me and a few others. Perhaps it is you after reading it. Perhaps it is the zeitgeist of our times.

Religion tells us that Eve was born of Adam, a derivative of his rib. And henceforth, Eve always looked to Adam for shelter and food, and Adam expected Eve to require such shelter and food for ever and ever.

And so the most symbiotic of all symbiotic relationships began, and the first social contract was notarised. The dynamic of the relationship was similar to how a child looks at a guardian nowadays – there were social expectations on both ends. And those expectations went on to shape the way men and women today not only interact but also approach relationships. Socialising between men and women has become a kind of bazaar where men are looking for females who charmingly acquiesce, and women are looking for breadwinners.

This is the extent to which I will assume an understanding of the female psyche. It's not what this column is about; the purpose of this week's piece is to present an alternative curiosity from a man's perspective. My curiosity revolves around what I'm going to call "the reformed tomboy".

According to the dictionary on my computer, tomboy (pronounced like this: |'täm,boi|) is a noun that refers to "a girl who enjoys rough, noisy activities traditionally associated with boys".

I have noticed a softening, even a level of warmth, in the way society in general – and the media specifically – have come to view tomboys over the past decade, and even celebrate the reformed ones.

I believe this is due in part to the understanding of what makes a girl subscribe to what ever actions (no make up, playing video games, becoming involved in sports etc) that would categorise her as a tomboy; the understanding that, with such a range of interests, those girls also develop more spontaneity and an unconventional and contagious sense of sincerity.

The reason for that is their rejection – at a relatively early age – of their role as a woman in need of shelter and food. This over the years develops into a strong sense of independence and the ability to be truly a friend of members of the opposite sex.

What I'm trying to say is that such a woman, if she then gives her hair a blow-dry and puts on some heels, becomes a very interesting person. In fact, a woman so interesting, she'd probably scare a good percentage of the males "in the market". And rightly so, especially since these men have been told – by fathers, elder brothers and cousins, and most other men with more facial hair than them at the bar or the majlis – that women expect to be taken care of and that their raison d'être is to perform that role.

But back to our "reformed tomboy": as far as some men are concerned, she's a dream girl. Someone who has managed to remain feminine but still knows the difference between penalties and corner kicks, PlayStation 2 and PlayStation 3, and Star Wars and Star Trek.

In the same way that wise old men advise younger males, elder sisters and cousins – and, indeed, any other woman with more mani-padi time under her belt – are likely to suggest that a girl's best course is to position herself as a wonderful prospective housewife. The classic female-to-female advice sums up their attitude entirely: "Men are like children, always treat them that way and you'll get what you want."

The old social contract between man and woman doesn't work as it stands any more. It is not sustainable because the premise itself is not sustainable. When a man and woman marry, it should be for more than just shelter and food – and it is sometimes more than that. But when it is not, then it is likely to end either in divorce or in a very disconnected household kept together by the guilt of not mentally scarring the children.

The qualities of the reformed tomboy may not always be apparent at first, but like most things of value will get better with time. Which is not necessarily the case when women marry men for their wealth and position and an implied sense of security (that may not always be there), and men marry women for their beauty and their ability to run a household, which might also be lost over time.

It is important to understand what a person needs, not just now but tomorrow. In the end we want our life partners to understand us and be our friends. I know I don't want my girl to be scared of my Nintendo.

Mishaal Al Gergawi