Misgivings ظنون

كنت أظن شمسي اشرقت
على وجهك يا حبيبي
وما نوّرت غيره
كنت أظن روحي احتييت
على ايدك حبيبي
ومثل الطفل ترعيها
وكنت أظن قلبي نبض
على صوتك حبيبي
وما يوقف وانت حاميه
وكنت أظن والظنون كثار
وغلطت، وحبك طلع مو بالسما
اللي تظلل حياتي
ولا الطريق
اللي يدلّيني فصلاتي
ولا الجبال
اللي تصمد في رياح الزمن
ولا البحر
اللي مكنونه سحر
بس طلع حبك وهم
أخف من الورق
بأول ريح وشمس
طار واحترق
ورجعت أظن
إن الحكاية كلها
بس رواية
قصة وعيشتنياها
"فيلم"
والنهاية مو مثل ما توقعناها
وانك جيت
مثل الحلم
ومثل الحلم
ويا نور الصبح ذبلت
ومثل الوهم
بأول صوت فزعت
وفتحت إيدي
ولقيتها خالية
ومثل ما توقعت
بسكون الليل
وبلحظة حلم
طلعت الشمس
ومثل الثلج
ذبت وتبخّرت
ورجعت أظن
وتذكرت
"إن بعض الظن، إثم"

Your name to me is like a prayer...

You have become, to me like a prayer
As I lay down to sleep,
You’re the last thing on my mind
As I open my eyes and awaken,
You’re the first thing on my mind.

Like a prayer, I repeat your name
And call you,
Hoping,
Wishing and…
Wanting you, wanting to hear me,
To hear my call.

Like a prayer,
I whisper,
Terms of endearment in your ears
As I recall, when last I prayed

My Love to you, for me, My Love
Has become…
More than a prayer
A fate known
With it's pain and glory,
Redemption and penitence,
Ablutions and … silent reverie

And surly as day follows night
So does my heart
Beat in flight
To the rhythm of your name
And a humble whisper
Upon my lips
Infinitely spells
I miss you

I am from Iraq - أنا من العراق

سألوني من أين أنت؟ أجبت، من العراق.. قالوا من أين؟ قلت من العراق.. نعم، نعم.... أمن الشمال أم الجنوب؟ أجبت، من العراق.. العراق!! ماذا جرى؟ ماذا يجري؟ فجأة يطلب مني الجميع أن احدد هويتي!! هويتي هي العراق... لا يكفي، يجب ان تحددي... من الشمال أم الجنوب؟؟

حسنا.. وما أفعل بدمي الذي يجمع في خلاياه امواه دجلة والفرات من عيون حاج عمران وشقلاوة الى مياه شط العرب ؟ وفي كياني ذرات من قمح نينوى مع جزيئات من رز المشخاب وتمر البصرة ؟ لم أسأل نفسي يوما أيهما افضل، الحبية والبرغل أم تمن العنبر.... يا للاهمال واللامبالاة !!! قد يستوجب هذا الاعتذار..

ليس هذا فقط... ماذا افعل بذكرياتي التي تمتد لعقود اربعة، هي سنوات عمري الذي عشته في العراق؟ لقد سبحت طفلة في مياه دربند ودوكان، كما في الحبانية والرزازة. عبرت الفرات في قفة واستكشفت أهوار الجبايش في مشحوف، كما لهوت على يخت يتهادى في نهر دجلة.... لم أسأل قبطاني الماهر في أي مرة

لأي فئة ينتمي، ولم يسألني أي منهم من أين أنت.. فكلنا من العراق!جنيت الجوز والتوت من جنائن شقلاوة والبلوط من جبال صلاح الدين و البرتقال من بساتين كربلاء و الراشدية و بعقوبة . . . فرحت كطفلة بالحصاد دون أن أشعر يوما أنني ضيفة غريبة في أي منها فكلها جنات العراق .

جمعت زهر البابونك و النرجس من سفوح جبال راوندوز كما جمعت نورات القصب و البردي و ( الشيسملّة ) من سهول الديوانية و أهوار الناصرية , عرفت نداء الطبيعة في كل البقاع دون أن أسأل نفسي يوما أو يسألني أحد الى أيها أنتمي . . فكلها عندي العراق .

عرفت جلال التاريخ حين استثارت قلعة أربيل و قلعة شيروانة مخيلتي الصغيرة و شممت عبق الحضارة في حصون الأخيضر و الحضر و النمرود و بابل و لم أسأل يوما أيا منها بناه أجدادي . . فكلها تاريخ العراق .

زرت مراقد الأئمة الصالحين و صليت أدعو الله الواحد الأحد في النجف و القاسم و مرقد العباس و الحسين ( ع ) كما في أبي حنيفة و الشيخ عبد القادر الكيلاني . . لم يسألني أحد من أين جئت و لا الى اين أمضي . . . فأنا من العراق .

مهلا . . . مهلا , ماذا عن صويحباتي و رفيقات طفولتي و صباي ؟ . يا لجهلي الكبير . . تصوروا . . لأي الفئات ينتمي أي منهن ! ترى هل أعود لأسألهن من أين جئن ؟ .

لا , لا . . فهن من العر اق ! كيف أشرح ؟ كيف يفهم من لم يعرف العراق قبل الطوفان ؟

Anonymous (to be translated) منقول

Memories

Swan Dance

The right amount of movement created this most sensual of effects, as with anthing delicate or precise, motion stirs it, making it more lucid and then defines its existence in making it more memorable.

There are many facets to a story and more so to a picture. There are many facets to Hyde Park.

Anna Pavlova fluttered in the dying swan as did this exquisite creature - gratefully not dying though lethal in its beauty.

So smoking kills, so what!

No Smoking apparently is the new religion that binds people. My frustration stems from the total inconsideration of smokers' rights. Mainly at the Dubai Technology & Media Freezone Authority.

Why? Well it is now an official no smoking environment in the buildings i.e. one cannot even smoke during their lunch break and one must leave the premises to go smoke outside the building.

I am all for not smoking in offices, but not in cafes nor restaurants!?!

My colleagues' argument is that it harms others too; driving kills more people annually than smoking! I don't see that banned! Especially driving in the UAE.

People speak of the rights of non-smokers. How about the rights of smokers. If non-smokers wanted fresh air why can't they go outside? I mean why polute the environment, rather have the smoking indoors with appropriate ventillation and filters. This way the harmful smoke is filtered and the environment won't be polluted nor will others be harmed.

This reminded me of the regulations in Ontario, Canada where smoking is banned in all buildings including clubs and bars, so most Ottawans drive to Hull, Quebec to go clubbing as it is permitted to smoke in clubs over there!

Alcohol kills and harms others, I don't see that banned anywhere (some drunks do lose control of their senses and cause harm).

Advanced nations kill, I don't see anyone stopping them.

When are we going to wake up to all the hype that we are sold for the sake of distraction. Till when are smokers going to keep being made to feel guilty, show me ONE Adult without a vice.

Smoking kills, yeah well ignorance kills, stupidity kills, driving kills, the sun kills, salt kills, sugar kills, coffee kills, food kills, water kills, air kills.

EVERYTHING thing KILLS in excess.


Another Ode to a cigarette

pass me our breath
Let my mind rush
In a fervent hush
As I write you,

burn, for your life is in your embers
A silent glow
Of red, white, and grey
As I take you,

Come through and fill me
And hurry! As you thrill me
Surround me with your aroma
As I breathe you,

Crushed, slowly but surely
Between my forefinger and thumb
In your own suffocation
You lie numb
As I kill you,

A temporary existence, of a similar pleasure
In a short need of your breath against mine
Not temporary
As I want you,

Circa May 2005

“The wise and their work are in the hands of God, Glory be to God.”*

*at the top of the Royal Albert hall

I’m back in Dubai again. I still think of London, of the nights with wistful spells of melancholy from an ancient breeze. I’m back and somehow London belongs only to me. It’s gone back to being another memory of a memory long past.

I was supposed to buy some stuff on Tuesday night from Harvey Nix and was looking for a taxi at 7,30 p.m. to get there before their closing at 8,00 p.m. but couldn’t find one, so I decided to leave it to the next morning before going to the airport.

I packed and was eager to get on the plane to come back to Dubai, I’ve missed it here and mostly everyone in Dubai. As I got up early to go visit my cousin and to see his new baby before heading out to the airport, I saw many people standing outside of Harvey Nichols and I thought how eager people were to shop today!

The taxi driver was a woman, my first woman driver in the U.K. and she took me through the park. Did she know I was leaving as we strolled down the route across Hyde Park through Kensington Gardens? The peacefulness was more still than a picture, as a painting of a bygone era.

I arrived at my cousins place, and met little Yousef, said Hi to Yasmin and Jessica and got to know Sowda (black one (f)) the cat.

As I left I had to walk down Royal Oak and cross Westbourne Grove to find a taxi, secretly I wished that I hadn’t a plane to catch and didn’t want to find a taxi… Here’s where I spent many summers strolling through the neighborhood and walking around the park. The park, I remember this park and I stood transfixed as I slowly removed mental cobwebs from the images of the few times that I had come here, I then realized that I stood in the middle of the road and had to move away!

As I turned, I found a taxi, jumped in and rested my head against it’s black leather seats, cradling my memories, slight and faint. He had on classical music, some gentle string composition, perfect for a finale, my last ride for this trip through the Gardens and Park.

I went straight to Harvey Nix and as I reached for the door a gentleman standing in front of it said: “I’m sorry but the ground floor is closed, if you’d like to visit other floors then please use the next entrance.” I was baffled and in my rush confused as to why and asked him so, he responded: “I’m sorry but you may have noticed the Royal Police” even more confusing… I thought to myself, what Royal had a dire need to shop on the day that I was traveling! And I asked him if I could not purchase anything at all from the ground floor; no perfume, no hosiery and till when was this going to last?! He seemed amused that I hadn’t quite captured the gravity of the situation and said: “The whole day. I’m not sure if you’re aware but there had been a fatal incident here last night” and all I could say was “Oh”.

It was then that it I realized that the photographers weren’t around because of some celebrity but rather for sadder reasons. I reached the newspaper kiosk to grab an update and the headlines blared “Harvey Nichols Murder Drama – (or something to that effect) before closing time, a gunmen shoots girlfriend and turns gun on himself”

What a sad day…

I headed to the airport and thought of this and many other things and nothing. I wished she had survived, but it was point blank range from behind and in the head, she did not know he was about to kill her – she’d had a restraining order.

It's as if London never new rain!?

So I wished for rain... and it came pouring for two days and with came more memories and thoughts... walking home with fingers kept warm in fish 'n' chips or late nights after hours and a spicy doner kebab lighting the insides...

It came pouring as we alked back with massive bags and not a taxi in sight not any vehicle that could keep us dry! as we alked for over an hour with the strain of plastic carrier bags loaded with new goodies for all I remebered the bus rides with my cousins, aunts, mom & grandmother...

As we got soaked I was on the prowl for a cab with a light on, even without a light on just to plead for a ride and then we found one! there'd been accidents on the A40 and the tubes at Hammersmith & shepherds bush were flooded so EVERYONE needed a cab!

It's as if London never new rain!?

It's way past midnight...

It's way past midnight and I'm at 'roots' (an internet cafe on Edgware rd. in Central London) checking my emails... And I miss my friends and colleagues in Dubai.

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous, I'd been waiting for the rain and it came, in short spells as soft kisses by a lover long missed... I remember, my days long ago as a child in London, then as a teenager and then I remembered the loneliness that is also known in all of northern europe and North America....

It's like I've never really been away, it's like it was only yesterday that I ran around Kensington Gardens, or strolled with my mom & dad through petticoat lane, getting lost amongst the stalls. It all seems like yesterday yet it's not.

There is one good thing though, most places revisted after childhood you realise that it has lost its lustre like an aged movie star whom you discover was really a nobody or an old call girl whom has been retired for many years and then you find the truth... you discover its real character. Well not London.

I miss the regular bunch of people that I'm used to... I wish they were here with me... Yet, yet I feel kind of strange, as if I'm no where. I haven't left where I was, and aren't where I am.

Another thing, I've regained my older accent; the british one. I know many of my friends will make fun and think me pretentious but actually it's the first dialect that I spoke.

for now adieu... I was supposed to upload some images, but I guess I'll have to do it next time.