I have this immense urge to dance till the point where my legs can go on no more, and yet, i corse them to carry the weight in my heart and push them further. Perhaps it's the same dance of the whirling dervishes, but, for them it is to reach a higher level of nirvana through their whirling. Me, I need to whirl myself out of the swamp. I need double the effort and the energy..
Perhaps that moment of physical exhaustion takes the whole awareness of pain into a tangible more manageable one, a controlled environment for the senses.
What baffles me is how tangible it is in the pit of the abdomen, a tightness that actually can relatively be relaxed by pain killers, as that in itself numbs other senses that trigger the mind and subsequently tight intangible knot.
I gravitate here and there when I feel this way. What I have experienced and felt is wonderful as it means I can still feel. As well, it is a blessing to have such a little issue bring me so much pain, it means that there are no other major pains and concerns. I am safe and well as are my loved ones, family and friends.
So then what? I don't know I have revived doubts which are absolutely inconvenient.
The other day in between tears and pasted smiles, I wished there was a direct phone to call God. I then kicked myself and reminded myself that this direct line is called prayer. But I still want to ask him so many questions!! The biggest ones are "What shall I do?" and "How should I be?" and get a simple direct mortal answer..
So many times I reach a point where I am mentally too tired I just don't want to think anymore. It is at those times where I (guiltily and retract it soon enough) envy stupid or dumb people, not in a degrading manner, but that they just know within a limited capacity and perhaps with the false perception that they have less aches due to that.
Perhaps that moment of physical exhaustion takes the whole awareness of pain into a tangible more manageable one, a controlled environment for the senses.
What baffles me is how tangible it is in the pit of the abdomen, a tightness that actually can relatively be relaxed by pain killers, as that in itself numbs other senses that trigger the mind and subsequently tight intangible knot.
I gravitate here and there when I feel this way. What I have experienced and felt is wonderful as it means I can still feel. As well, it is a blessing to have such a little issue bring me so much pain, it means that there are no other major pains and concerns. I am safe and well as are my loved ones, family and friends.
So then what? I don't know I have revived doubts which are absolutely inconvenient.
The other day in between tears and pasted smiles, I wished there was a direct phone to call God. I then kicked myself and reminded myself that this direct line is called prayer. But I still want to ask him so many questions!! The biggest ones are "What shall I do?" and "How should I be?" and get a simple direct mortal answer..
So many times I reach a point where I am mentally too tired I just don't want to think anymore. It is at those times where I (guiltily and retract it soon enough) envy stupid or dumb people, not in a degrading manner, but that they just know within a limited capacity and perhaps with the false perception that they have less aches due to that.
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