Interlude iv


I am restless, sometimes I'm happy, at times I'm sad. Though I think what may be bothering me is this feeling of being 'un-anchored'. A boat, in the ocean, vast surroundings, empty horizon, no shore in sight, just hanging around without an anchor. ?No paddles, No fuel? I don't know. That's exactly it. I do not know.

And I look for you to direct me... it seems you're just as lost as I am. That's not the impression you gave me... I thought you knew what you wanted. I need in you a decisive mind. I need. I want you but I also want your strength before your weaknesses.

I am sorry. Forgive me for what I may be about to do. I will talk to you, I want to know where we're heading to. Just tell me. Give me a time frame or else tell me we are not to be but please do let me know.

I miss you in so many words and ways that I am tired of saying and feeling it. I miss you so much that I hate the ache that thumps within me. I bear it like a child not knowing when I'm due for labour. Like my love, an unborn child that I need to care for not knowing when it will come nor who its father is nor how will it be. My life with you seems like that to me.

No. It's My confusion with you. Yet you speak to me so clearly as if I don't understand. As if the language you speak is one that is new to me, I do, I do hear and understand what you say, you my love, are not in what you say.

... cont'd from Thu Apr 08, 04:24:25 PM


As a change (not that anything has been regular yet!) I suggested we go to the desert to watch avid four-wheel drivers dune bashing maybe even to do some myself although I'm not sure azzeeza (my car) was up to it today...

so we head out on a 40 minute ride towards Hatta but not actually going there, rather stopping at an area in the middle a.k.a. 'Al Bedayer'

Interlude iii


he seems a bit different ...

I told him last night over the phone, I told him I am trying to make a connection between the person that I'd met and the one I'm talking to and I'm slowly losing the link.

It seems that we are slowly going backwards rather than moving forwards... I asked him how long did he think we can remain apart and he said until he gets something, something meaning a job over here... But see I don't feel that, I feel that it's first let me get a job, then let me get established then letme settle in then let me see where my future takes me then it's i need to do something for my family ... etc... etc... etc...

I just wish he can come up and say that although he wants a commitment he's just to scared to a take a step. He seems to think that I am just waiting for him to say it ... see thats not it... I am waiting for him to form a decision so that consecutively ... and upon further deliberation I may form mine.

I needed to ask him another question but I haden't the opportunity to do so, he was busy at work... See I wanted to ask him how long can he wait 6 months? a year? two? three, more?

I will ... yes yes yes I know what you're thinking I will

... cont'd from: Mon Mar 22, 12:44:26 PM


We went for lunch at a local Iraqi restaurant called Raghdan, it's very casual yet full of the warmth of home cooking that would remind one of mom's & grandma's cooking before this health age that we're in!

I felt dizzy yet not. He was actually here... all I could think of is this... he is actually here in DUBAI!!! Eight months of waiting which seemed too long. She gets up to go wash her hands before lunch, he looks me in the eyes, turns his head sideways right, squints and asks: 'Do you love me?' ...

it seems aeons passed, how was I supposed to answer that how am I supposed to know the answer... I'd always told him that our emotions and sentiments were 2-Dimensional and when we meet they would become 4-Dimensional. We'd JUST met!

I mmmhhmmd an affirmation. so just before I could ask the same he shot back with '... more than before or less?' so I responded most eloquently surprisingly enough in view of my wrecked nerves... 'Well it cannot be less'

And I could finally sum up enough strength in my vocal chords to ask him 'What about you?' and he said 'Yes' so I asked him 'more or less?' and he said 'more ofcourse!' I felt shivers and chills in the warm afternoon reverberating across my body like a pond with 100 kids jumping around no they weren't ripples neither were they butterflies in my stomach rather they were dragons stopming around hungry in search of some delectable morsel to chew on... or maybe that was just my stomach from hunger.

All emotions and feelings got mixed up.

Interlude ii

'... Unsettled hearts promise things they can't deliver...'
Tracy Chapman

He's fine... I'm glad he's fine, NO I'm relieved he's alright. Wandering through the abyss of my mind had me lost in a maze of tangled thoughts...
Yes relieved, phew!

When we finally spoke last night, my wish came true... The reason was very plain, incomprehensible to my tangled mind, the circumstances unreal, like a cold French novel. Yet I was relieved. The pain that had been there was replaced with a bruise that hasn't caused much damage but will invariably leave a painful blue green purple-ish mark for a while.

'Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much'

'No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but it's enough, 'twill serve:'

Shakespeare, Romeo & Juliet, act iii scene i line 66

Interlude i

I miss him, it's been two days since we spoke and I havent heard from him... since going back we spoke several times a day... he hasn't called and I haven't been able to reach him... I fear the worst and wish for the stupidest reasons... when thinking like that you can forgive anything... I am worried so worried my thoughts go to forbidden dark places... I can only pray to God to protect him from harm.