"Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain,
Still remains, within the sound of silence."
The Sound of Silence, by Simon & Garfunkel


... and I delve farther into this darkness, the abyss that beckons, yet.. yet I can't seem to fall!
Two weeks ago I sms'd my friend and said that I'd wanted to get pissed drunk, maybe then I could let go of my feelings. I didn't get drunk,I couldn't do any further than just think about it... he said to me that he thinks I'm great and I don't need alcohol to let go. He was right. Yet I'm still here. My eyes dry, my throat dry and my mind fucking overloaded.
My mind goes deeper and deeper, my heart drowns in it's silent screams in the darkness.
to dignify anything.. why should I? I haven't lost anything, (I SCREAM!!) 'cause I hadn't anything to lose in the first place! I repeat this mantra. Yet his cup has overflowed and he empties his goblet down a drain reflecting the yellow streetlamp, wandering through the kohl night of my soul.


I then play Blue Rodeo's 'Five days in July' listening to "Hasn't Hit Me Yet"
I forgot how Blue Rodeo seems to intensify certain sentiments... then I remebered how I use to listen to 'Bad Timing' a long, very long time ago down the streets of Montreal...

"Hey it's me what a big surprise
Calling you up from a restaurant
Around the bend
I just got in from way up North
I'm aching tired now
And I could use a friend
I might be a fool
To think that you do
Want to see me again"


JANIS!!! Where the Fuck are you when I need you??? I need your "Ball and Chain"

"Sittin' down by my window,
Honey, lookin' out at the rain.
Lord, Lord, Lord, sittin' down by my window,
Baby, lookin' out at the rain.
Somethin' came along, grabbed a hold of me,
And it felt just like a ball and chain.
Honey, that's exactly what it felt like,
Honey, just dragging me down."


23,39 23,50
I sat at my balcony and pulled at my Cartier, (yeah I know, it's too ooh la la of a cigarette to go with the rawness of this all, but hey, sue me!)
As I was saying, I sat at my balcony in the dark (my welcome friend) with the lamp outside faking the brightness of a sun, I sat and pulled at my cigarette that didn't seem to be... I listend to the storm inside my head and tried to focus on the voice in my ears, it's sound and intonations and the last time it had whispered to me...
I listened a bit and spoke a bit and realised that nothing's changed yet... I guess I have to wait a bit longer and see what God Almighty has in store for me...
I remembered at that instant that each time I pray, I kneel, lay my forehead to the ground, it's my parents and his name that I pray to God to bless and forgive...